A story for you—
When I was in my early 20’s, I did a summer study abroad in Europe and one of my classmates shared that her dad told her—
Dating is good for character development.
I don’t think I understood the depth and magnitude of that statement in that exact moment. I just nodded and said, “Yeah, word”.
At the time I was dating my first love (2008). A man I dreamt into life over years of ferocious teen crushes and unrequited young love. It was wild. I thought that was it. He was the one. I even wore a chain with his initial. Then one day it broke…
On paper, he was everything I thought I wanted. You know how it goes. You think you know, but b, I had no idea. He wasn’t it. Break-ups taught me so much about myself. That was the first time I evolved, working from the inside out. That heartache exploded inside of me, so putting myself back together meant doing the emotional work myself. Ugh. I had no idea how many more times life would have me experiencing heartache again.
Admittedly, I had help, which I’ll mainly chalk up to music by Kaskade. The last email that ex sent me included an attachment of “I Remember” that he paid for on iTunes. I wrote about that break-up for a contest actually. I won it and met the artist, too. A few years later, I even ended up on the payroll doing some of the best work of my life, supporting our loyal fan community. Talk about a parting gift. Anyways, I digress.
Having lived in NYC for all of my 20’s and early 30’s, dating was overall incredibly fun. There were painful times, of course, but as I reflect I have sooooo many stories. Not for nothing, but I attract a range of personalities, introverts, and IMHO, beautiful men of all kinds. They’ve all been fine in their own unique way.
[Sidebar: I’ve created my dream world—men with their flowers. A vibrant place with beautiful men surrounded by the delicacy of their flowers.]
Looking back, I’m nostalgic of some of the men I’ve dated. Their qualities or special attributes have been a mix of—good-looking faces, sweet baby faces, kind eyes, nice smiles, full beards, smooth yet understated swag, foreign accents, curly hair, musical talents, music recommendations that hit the spot, Soundcloud playlists to make me weak, cushy jobs, bathtubs, dreads, full lips, calling me Uber’s, acid trips, smoking weed in bed, lots of cats, movie dates, Arepas, playful nudes, unsolicited dick pics, random emojis translated to sexual energy, and letting me in at 2AM after I’ve made it over the bridge…oyy. Shit has been WILD. Hilarious, even. Despite the struggles, I look back and think — it was all awesome. I would live and love every man all over again with a kinder heart.
I have graced many men with my energy and it’s all quite funny to me, that I still, have the hardest time falling in love again.
I’ve had strong feelings for a few men along the way. It never worked out, but in time I always came to the understanding that I got something out of it. Even the ones when it felt the worst. I lived in the moment and experienced deep passion, maybe even different levels of love. My imaginative mind can recall all those kisses—in an alleyway, LES bars, a mix of dance floors, fire escapes, subway rides, Central Park, and even in the middle of a NY crosswalk. I remember when one guy asked to hold my bag and casually put his arm around me as we walked up 5th Avenue. I thought that was cute. He was like butter, smooth.
I even remember the way my body felt those times it was grabbed and how my hand was pulled onto the dance floor. Even though I wanted that, sometimes I could still be so shy. I don’t think I ever really wanted to be pulled out of my shell, I just wanted to exist in it and pop out at my own will. One thing that’s never changed and has remained my most powerful tool to this day are my Cinderella eyes, as a friend called them — my big, light brown doting, heart eyes. A combination of my smile and smize could make any man (or woman) blush. As long as I could catch your eyes and or maybe I made you laugh — I could reel you in. EZ. To be with you was another story though. Fun Fact: It wasn’t until after my first break-up did I let those eyeballs unleash themselves. I started to wear contacts and learned how to use make-up! See, break-ups are good for the soul. ;)
I feel like my soul is thriving right now. It’s really alive, it’s not necessarily in order, but I’m putting in the emotional work I need to grow. I’m sensing and experiencing it. Internally, I’ve been feeling really expressive, but unsure of where or how to channel my thoughts. A few friends suggested I write more, especially since I have time right now. Today I told myself to do something for me, so I started this blog.
It’s no surprise, I’ve always been inspired by love. At times, I was crippled by it, but nonetheless, I was always moving in, for, and with love. Everything I do, I channel it through me with love.
I’m doing a lot of different things right now with my time. I’m throwing ideas out there, finding people to roll with them, and taking stock of the process; how it makes me feel, and what part of it I actually like that I’d be willing to do again. I’m looking inwards to reach fulfillment, by also identifying more ways to make a living. At first, I was struggling to get somewhere professionally. I’m not even quite sure there’s an official “there” anymore. It’s more like, I’m learning “there” really means right here, right now. In all the ways I was searching for love in someone else, the pandemic brought me to my own knees instead. Like it has many of us, it’s making me very aware of how I feel. These are my stay-at-home thoughts.
I feel expressive because I’m yearning for human connections that help me explore who I am, only realizing that the only partner I need right now is me. I’m surrounded and living with abundance already. It took me soooooo long to finally feel it. But I’m here now. I’m unraveling in all the right ways and I’m feeling my heart is full and opening up. Whether that’s from online dating (another story), tickled by erotica, or choosing to please myself (literally and figuratively, Yes - sometimes this will be rated R for Reality), what I realize is I am love.
TLDR: What I’m feeling right now is evolution of the self, the shift in the paradigm as women tap into their power. I’m recognizing my limits, understanding my boundaries, speaking on them, manifesting on goals and experiencing LOVE in the time of Covid.
Always,
GMC
[April 22, 2020, Wednesday 2:34PM EST]
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